101 Things Not To Do in Middle Earth
by frodoschick
Summary: This authoress has decided to make a Mary-Sue and decided to make her do many, many things that you are not supposed to do in Middle-Earth. Chaos promises to ensue! MARY-SUE WARNING! And bashing. Lots of Mary-Sue bashing.
1. The Birth of a Sue

This is not a list. It is a story. The story of a Mary-Sue and her quest to become the greatest Mary-Sue ever!! (Total oxymoron right there.) She has been given a task...complete the 101 things not to do in Middle Earth. The authoress is preparing a list for her even as we speak...

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Disclaimer- I do not own LOTR or Middle-Earth or even most of these ideas. I got most of them from a website I found my freshman year of high-school and have never been able to find it again...sob

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Dedication- To my job at Panera Bread. Sometimes the only way that I can make it through the day is if I imagine these things happening.

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The authoress stared out of her window, her laptop propped open on her lap as she sat on her bed. She was trying to break the wall of mind-block that seemed to be endless. She couldn't think of a single thing to write about and all of her other stories had coem to a dead stop.

"What if I write a Mary-Sue story?" she wondered, staring at the plethora of Mary-Sue stories on. "People always say that most of my girl characters are Mary-Sues but I've never written a Mary-Sue on purpose. This might be fun!!" She instantly felt the mind-block dissolve and started typing like a fiend on her keyboard.

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_The List of Things Not To Do in Middle Earth...A Continuous Work_

_1) Do not say that Sauroman needs to clip his nails._

_2) Do not clip his nails for him._

_3) Do not give him a French manicure._

_4) Do not build a fire in Fangorn Forest._

_5) Do not poke a sleeping anything (Warg, Oliphant, Orc, Man. Anything with a pointy object in close range)._

_6) Do not antagonize anyone (or thing) that hasn't seen an anger management therapist._

_7) Do not create tension between Legolas and Gimli._

_8) Do not hide Legolas's hairbrush._

_9) Do not hide Gimli's axe._

_10) Do not hide Legolas's bow and Gimli's axe at the same time._

_11) Never stand between a Hobbit and mushrooms._

_12) Do not haunt Eowen's footsteps while Eomer is around._

_13) Do not play tag with Ring-Wraiths on Weathertop._

_14) Do not suggest to Sauron's Eye that he needs eyedrops and badly._

_15) Do not run back and forth in front of Orcs screaming "I'M INVINCIBLE!!"_

_16) Do not call Smaug an over-grown gecko._

_17) Don't call the Blade that Was Broken a piece of junk._

_18) Don't be a Fool of a Took!!_

_19) Do not forget your helmet on the Battle of Helm's Deep, then ask to borrow someone else's._

_20) Make dirty jokes about Boromir's "horn of Gondor"._

The authoress cracked her fingers and nodded. She had the beginning of the story, now just to get the Mary-Sue. She studied Mary-Sues for at least an hour before going and throwing up in her wastebasket. Then she sat back down with a groan and gritted teeth and created one of the worst characters that a fanfic can ever get.

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_Her name was Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth, but you could just call her Mary-Sue. Her eyes were a gorgeous swirling topaz/jade shade that had golden flecks around the iris which sparkled with intelligence and wit and a bit of rebel and beauty and gorgeousness and sadness and laughter. Her hair was the color of freshly-squeezed lemonade, the color of a sunrise and the color of a happy face, the tresses a gorgeous, luxurious, shimmering color of happiness. Her shining blonde tresses were a sight to behold and they were even more beautiful than those of __Lady Galadriel. She was curvy in the right places (she was a size 34-C!) and her skin was a delicate color of tan that wasn't tan but a peachy color with a hint of brown sugar thrown in. If you tailed her one day, you might notice a smell; the most enticing scent of magnolias. It was her signature perfume, Dreams of Magnolias. _

_Her past is tragic. Her father (the only man who had ever been able to out-smart Bill Gates, so therefore was as rich as anyone could be. He made more in one year than Oprah made in five) sexually abused her as he was unsatisfied with his third wife, a Las Vegas chorus girl. She finally had enough one day and hit him multiple times with a baseball bat then called 911 in tears. Her father recovered while she became an emancipated minor. Her father was so furious that she outwitted him that he drove to his favorite 5-star restaurant and plowed into the side of the building. He and the chorus show-girl died instantly. Mary-Sue inherited everything. Because of the emotions and thoughts bottled up in her brain, she can levitate objects or herself. One distinguishing feature (other than all the others named above) she has a tattoo on the small of her back in the shape of a rare butterfly with the words "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt". Even though she has no parents and she is underage (18)._

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The authoress finished, then went and laid down with a cold compress to her head. She would have to wait a few more days to unleash her creation on Middle-Earth. Her headache left her unable to do much else.

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_Meanwhile...Inside her computer..._

_

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_Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth awoke from the deep sleep of creation. Her swirling topaz/jade eyes opened, fringed with their long wispy eyelashes and she looked about her for the first time. She was in a void of white and nothing was around except for her. She felt frightened for a split second, then decided to get up. She stood on her delicate feet and, clasping her hands together, she looked about her once more, hoping that something had changed in the past several seconds. Nothing had.

"I wish I had something to wear." she said, upon the realization that she was naked. (All the male portraits in the authoress's laptop immediately tried to get a glimpse. They were met with a fire-wall.) With a _whoosh _isles of clothes appeared to her left and right. She choose a dark blue mini-skirt and a tight red tube top. She put on a pair of black boots that went all the way to her knees and clung to her shapely legs. She chose a matching necklace/earrings/bracelet/watch set from Tiffany's. She then cleared her throat very lady-like and the clothes were whisked away.

"I wish I had a place to sit down." she called out into the white. All the boys in the portraits instantly offered their chairs. (They were met with a fire-wall and a flame-shooter.) With another _whoosh_, armchairs of various styles and colors appeared. She chose one that set off her eyes and hair and sat down to wait for the authoress to come back. She sighed so danitly, crossing her legs. Her mini-skirt inched up. The boys howled and burst out of the portraits. (They were met with a flame-wall, flame-thrower, and several painful mallets).

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The authoress awoke, hearing the howling from her laptop. That meant only one thing. Her Mary-Sue had come to life. Hopefull she wouldn't be too bad. One look through the screen and the authoress's most hopeful dreams and most horrid nightmares came true all at once.

Time to tell Mary-Sue what she would be doing for the next 20 or more chapters...

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Thank you for reading this story's first chapter! If there is anything you want to see Mary-Sue "**_not_**" do, tell me!!


	2. What Have You Done to Your NAILS!

Thank you to the people who gave me great ideas and reviewed and everything! Hopefully this will be funny!

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Dedication- To all Mary-Sues. Without you, we would be forced to bash our characters. Now we can bash you. Mwahahaha!!

Disclaimer- I own Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth and some of the torture ideas. Nothing else.

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"Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth." came the voice from above our belovedly stupid Sue. She glanced up with those eyes that the authoress would spend twleve minutes desribing but she didn't feel like getting another headache. Mary-Sue looked up at the ceiling where a face had appeared.

"Yes?" she answered, a smile dancing on her perfectly plumped lips.

"You are to be sent on a mission." said the authoress, hiding her eyes with a black pin-striped fedora. Mary-Sue wondered vaguely why she was doing that.

"Yes?" said Mary-Sue.

"A mission to become the best Mary-Sue in LOTR fandom."

"Sounds exciting!" said Mary-Sue, clapping her perfectly manicured hands. The authoress grinned.

"You must complete each task set before you. It will be challenging."

"Fine, as long as I don't break a nail."

"Your nails will be perfect." said the authoress, not saying anything about the rest of her. If Mary-Sue had seen her eyes, she would have seen the truth. But she didn't so was perfectly ignorant.

"Thank heavens. What is to be my first task?"

"Get to Middle-Earth. Simple for your first. They will get harder." said the authoress. "I have to go now, but I will be monitoring your progress on my computer. Luck, Mary-Sue." Then the ceiling went blank and Mary-Sue was by herself again. She stood and the armchair was whisked away into the depths of cyber-space.

"Now, how to get to Middle-Earth?" she wondered aloud. She put her not so big brain to work, but really couldn't think about how to get to a fictional world from where she was in cyber-space, it was quite a taxing think and most of those boy portraits weren't helping by staring with big eyes at the sight of Mary-Sue pacing. She thought and thought and thought and thought some more. Sooner than later, she ordered a boy to get her a Mocha Frappuccino, extra chocolate. The coffee and chocolate blend was enough to make her headache go away.

"Oh how I wish I could go to Middle-Earth to complete my quest!" she said, sipping.

And with a swirl of colors, a light dusting of wind, and a chanting of foriegn voices to music, Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth landed gently on her feet in the middle of a grassy field. She looked about her with something akin to amusement and bemusement. And of course, like all Mary-Sues, she didn't find the travel experience too trying. In fact, she rather liked it.

"Oh, wow, I'm here!"

The authoress nodded. Mary-Sue had finally said the magic words. Thank God. It was nearing the edge of two hours. The authoress sipped a strawberry smoothie as she typed on her laptop to her Sue.

A note fluttered from the sky, straight towards Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue grabbed it with her perfectly French-manicured nails.

_Well done, Mary-Sue,_ the note read. _You have successfully come to Middle-Earth. Your second task will begin immediately. Go tell Sauroman what you think of his nails._

"Alright!" she said, with a smile. Nothing got down Mary-Sue's spirits. "But where is he?"

Another note fluttered down. _Isenguard. Which is right in front of you. _Mary-Sue looked up. A giant black tower loomed in front her in the distance.

"How on Earth am I going to get there? So _not _walking." There came a sigh from the sky, then a bike appeared. (Pink with glitter). "Ummm...doesn't match my outfit!" There was a groan from the sky, then a black and red motorbike appeared. "Much better." she said, mounting it with a swirl of her blonde hair.

"Don't you want a helmet?" asked the authoress, hoping to see Mary-Sue with helmet-hair.

"Um...let me think...NO!" And the motorbike roared and she was speeding across the fields. Somehow, she got past the Uraki guards and walked up the stairs of Isenguard. She smiled as the door opened at her touch. "His nails can't be that bad." she said with a giggle. "But seriously, he so needs to dust." she said, looking at the foot-prints that her boots were leaving in the dust.

She rounded a corner and entered the Palantir room. There stood an old man in white, his hand splayed out on top of the glowing red orb. She studied him...his hand.

"OMG!!" she shrieked. Sauroman jumped a foot. "WHAT THE **HELL** HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR NAILS?!"

"What? I--How'd you get in here?!" he shouted, grabbing his staff. She was at his side in a matter of seconds, grabbing his hand.

"And these calluses! God, your hands are a walking disaster area!" He yanked his hand away.

"So? What are you going to do about it?" he sneered. Safe in her room, the authoress punched her fist in the air. Mary-Sue was making Sauroman act out of character! **_YES!!_**

"What am I going to do about it?" snapped Mary-Sue, glaring at Sauroman. "I'm going to cut them, file them and manicure them. And some cucumber-melon lotion wouldn't go astray on your hands."

Sauroman stared. "What?"

"You heard me!" The authoress decided to help her Mary-Sue. An entire nail-art kit, complete with huge clippers, a file and lots of nail-polish and even a tube of cucumber-melon lotion appeared in the Sue's hands. "Now...GET OVER HERE!!"

"NO!" There procedded a chase through Isenguard, all over the halls. The authoress was laughing so hard that she almost dropped her laptop. Mary-Sue finally cornered him in the Palantir room again. The authoress held her breath. Then Mary-Sue attacked!!

Nail clippings flew everywhere, there was the sound of Sauroman shrieking like a little girl and Mary-Sue complaining about the state of his nails the entire time. Then it was over and Sauroman was staring at his hands which were now perfect, thanks to the Mary-Sue touch. He now smelled of cucumber-melon and sweat. Not a very pleasent combination.

"There." said Mary-Sue, flipping her perfect tresses over her shoulder. "Now you look somewhat presentable."

Sauroman growled and reached for his staff.

The authoress winced and turned her head as a blinding light was emitted from her computer. She looked back at the screen to see Mary-Sue was gone. She sighed_. Oh well...she'll be back next chapter_...

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Thank you for reading. Now review!


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